Wednesday, January 6, 2010
And when you lose sight.... I can tell. You know honey.... you were a catholic, then went to a baptist church, then a nazarene one, now a methodist one?? Like..... when does this stop?? They're all the same at the core. Christian. Imperfect. Jesus is the only perfect thing alongside God. Where there's 2 people, there is gonna be conflict. And sometimes, it doesn't even take 2. You're like the run-away bride church style!! Love.... this sucks, believe me, I have been here.... but Jesus Christ requires you to leave your old life behind, to change for God's sake. If you just keep justifying yourself.... you're crucifying Jesus all over again. The hardest part, and the best thing in the world.... is getting busted. Bust yourself... for real this time. Not half-way. Doubts aren't accepted my God.... he who looks back while he plows the field is of no use in the Kingdom of Heaven. It's there.... in black and white print. You can avoid me all you want.... but you can't avoid yourself forever. And church-hopping is just a way of seeking for something when you can't find it usually. I've been there too. But when you keep your eyes and heart closed.... you will never find anything but the sad lonely darkness. How can He get in if everything's closed??
There. I'm done. Avoid me..... or don't. I don't care. But the issue here isn't about your place of worship, it isn't about churches, it isn't about that dumb stuff...... it's about this friendship. It's about you lying to me. I wouldn't have been upset AT ALL, yes, you prolly would have gotten that paragraph up there either way..... but you avoided me, and then did this. For what?? I don't get it. Go where you want, do what YOU have to do love..... but we are best friends, and I thought I was a part of your life... I thought I was a part of your heart. Cuz...... you sure are a part of mine. You know me.... you know I'm gonna tell you stuff straight up. Because you need it, I need it, and I respect you and love you. But..... you didn't return the favor, and I really don't understand why. Just cuz you're not with me in my church doesn't mean you ditch me as a friend. Steph is my best friend, and we've never shared the same church.... not ever. It's not about churches. But she wouldn't lie to me either. Yes Wendy.... I do deserve this. So I'm not gonna say "what have I done to deserve this? Why me?" Cuz I know as well as every other person in this world that I do suck. But you know.... I don't feel sorry for you. Never have. Never will... because I just love you. Don't make your hurdles in life be a reason you can't do things..... make them a reason to make yourself better and stronger. I'll always love you and forgive you. So..... here I am. When you wanna talk, I'll listen. When you wanna come back to our friendship, I'll meet you halfway. Maybe more. We always talk about how people have hurt us.... how it sucks.... how people lied and broke our hearts... then why did you all of the sudden do it to me?? Not telling me things is the same as lying. I dunno..... people are askin me questions about you, and I dunno what to say anymore, cuz you don't talk to me, or you avoid me, or you talk to me with reserve. Like I'm an alien or something. It's not the situation that bugs me, never was, and still isn't.... it's how you handled it with me, it's the sneeking way you went about it, and weird avoidance that bugs me. We're best friends! I never hold you back, I want you to fly.... I never have held anything against you, so I just don't see the point.... I dunno.... I'm just lost and confused.....
I love you.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
And here he is. Nathan Ryan Nelson. Nothing special.... and neither am I. But to each other, we're the whole world, the most special thing ever. I'm not Megan Fox, and he's not Brad Pitt. Sometimes we just make each other feel that way. I'm not a genious, and he's not a doctor. We're average. We have flaws that we love about each other, and some not so much. But the key is that we overlook those and just see how much we love each other and why. Then it's not so bad. We need each other. We are to the point where life isn't normal or complete without the other. Are we obsessed?? No. We're best friends. We care so much. I feel like I win just when he holds my hand. lol. He's a winner.... and he fits perfectly. And that is why my perfect Serina wedding is just focusing in.... and it's ok. Because he loves me, and he thinks I fit perfectly too. He has given me the best ideas of anyone. I never pushed him into anything... and he hasn't ever pushed me either... instead we walk together, side-by-side, hand-in-hand, and embrace it all together. We take our time. Always stopping to double-check. We enjoy things better this way. We know how each other ticks... and we now tick in unison. When I became a Christian... I decided I wanted a man to love me they way God loves us, his church. I prayed not for what I wanted, not for Ryan and I to last forever, not to get my way..... I prayed for God to get His way, for God's will to be my will, and my will to be His. And here I am.... basking in His love, and rewarded and blessed by Ryan's love.
So.... I've decided on dark blue and neon green. :) When I met Ryan, and we fell in love and had been in love for a good long while, one day he asked me. I told him I'd like either red or dark blue, and after deciding that everyone and their dog has red in their wedding... I picked dark blue. He recently picked the neon green after deciding we had to be the weird and quirky people we trully are. I love it. lol.
We also wanted to do some things different.... so these will be our wedding shoes:
Mmmm hmmm, yes. They rock. We LOVE New Balances.... and we love us. :P
We will wear jersey's to our reception, after the formal stuff, like dancing. They will be dark blue, with neon green writing. On the front will be the words "Dream Team", "Newly-wed Nelson's", or "New Nelson Crew". :) On the back, where names go, there will be, "His Better Half" and "Her Better Half". Our jersey number's will both be 1/2. lol. :D They will be amazing no matter what. We'll wear black athletic shorts, with cool socks that'll match, and our wedding shoes. (We'll probably wear the socks for our wedding also. lol.)
Not to mention our root-beer fountain. We thought of that one together. We will have NO alcohol whatsoever... so root-beer it is, because we love root-beer SOO much. :) There will be a side table with water and tea. lol.
We can't get married in our church because nobody would fit.... so we want a bigger one, with stained glass windows.
I know for sure I want a matron of honor.... probably my beloved cousin Kaci. She woulda been my maid of honor, but now she's married and will be highly involved no matter what. (You know it's true!!) lol. And my beautiful friend Stephanie... ahhh yes.... you know it: maid of honor. Wendy (if she'll have me), Liz, my cousin Nichole, and perhaps a couple more.... my amazing bride's maids. I think Ryan is gonna have a harder time than I picking his man-crew. lol. Justin, Michael, Taylor, Jarrett if he is home, Jeff if he'll do it, and Elwin if he'll do it. Best man: Justin or Michael.... Ryan told me so. lol.
There'll be two blue-eyed ring bearers: his nephew Chase, and my nephew Duncan. Flower girls... we dunno. There's not many girlies in my family young enough, and by the time we actually get married, probably not on his side either. We'll see.
We'll have our fatherly-like pastor marry us, since he's our pastor. Pastor Jerry. (PJ for short!) I want him to preach about the way God loves his people, the church... God's bride, who loves Him back... that relationship between them, and how that is the way a man and a woman should love each other as well.
I WILL cry. I will have Elvis Presley played at our reception for sure. lol. I'm seriously considering a cheese-cake for my wedding cake. :) I want my daddy to give me away, and I want to dance with him afterwards, after my first dance with Ryan as his you-know-what. lol. :P I also wanna dance with Ryan's dad, Marty... because he really is that special to me. I want my mom and my step-mom to both be there.... they don't have to talk, or even look at each other, but they will tolerate each other for ONE day, because it will be MY day... OUR day, just me and Ryan. The end. Nobody else gets any part of it but God. lol.
There will be no bachelor or bachelorette parties... we don't party. We'll have a good, honorable, fun night with our friends and family that we'll remember forever, and never be ashamed of. In fact, we'll probably plan them together, and check in on each other throughout, cuz that's just the way we are. :)
Now, I know, I know.... this may seem strange, but I have no clue about my dress. (or any of the clothing for anyone else!) lol. I just don't. I do know that I will wear all white, and I LOVE lace and pearly beading, and I do not want a strapless because of my bodily proportions. lol. I'll probably wear my hair natural... just down and curly. And I'll do my own makeup. I'll have a beautiful bouquet, and a back up one to throw to my lovely ladies that come. :) And yes... we'll probably do the garter fling thing, can't leave our awesome fellas!!
I feel like a little girl, dreaming about this stuff. :) But I'm not. It's really real. It's a good ways off in the future still... but not so far as I think, and not even a second when it actually approaches. And... a little girl doesn't have the prince charming yet.... but I do, and he prompted it all. :) It just feels so right..... and I give all the credit to God!!! I just don't deserve any of these feelings, don't deserve Ryan, or love period... neither of us do.... but by His grace, here we are, best friends in love. :) We just keep on keepin on... takin our sweet time, side-by-side...
Friday, December 11, 2009
I have been crying since literally about 5 minutes after I woke up, which means I now have a headache, and a runny nose. Haven't stopped crying really.... little pauses. I thought this break was gonna be so super, and I'm disappionted. Ryan said it was gonna be great, cuz we'd actually have time to just be in love.... yet there's still no time. It's always something in the way. I just wish I were enough to make him WANT to love me. I know he does... but I just don't feel it, I don't see it. I just hear it. Words are just that.... words. They mean alot when they get backed up by actions. Right now... his don't really mean much to me. I don't want to do all the work... I want him to meet me in the middle. Well, I was trying... trying to spice it up. Sending random texts, and calls, suprising him with little stuff.... but I stopped. I stopped because I don't get it in return. Which.... honestly... is the whole reason I did it, to try to get an equal and ooposite reaction. Give it to him good, get it back good.... somehow that just didn't work out. I don't even wanna try anymore. I here.... the end. Nothin special anymore... not pretty anymore.... just here cuz I'm supposed to be I guess. I'm boring now. I'm only a part of his day when I'm supposed to be. Same old thing, every day. Same stuff, different day. (SSDD) I feel so stuck. Stuck sucks. He gives me excuses like, "I didn't have time to tell you...", or, "I didn't know you wanted me to....." Excuses. That's all it is. I'm afraid that this is how it's going to be until our next big step, which is getting engaged.... afraid because if this is how it's going to be, I dunno if I can do it. I don't need excuses... they just give me reaosns to be mad at him..... instead, I'm just running out of reasons to keep falling in love. He gives me reasons to be mad, not reasons to just be so in love with him. And... I need that. I don't just want it.... I need it in order for this relationship to work. Need. It is a big deal to me. But.... if he thinks he's doing just fine, that's all that counts. Not the way I feel. Because I don't feel that he's doing fine.... I feel like he's everybody elses hero EXCEPT mine. Everyone else gets all the reasons to fall in love with him.... not me. Cuz I'm just here. I get myself all worked up, and excited to be with him, and to see him.... and get disappointed. He's not feeling well. He doesn't feel like going out. He had a bad day. He's frustrated. He's in a bad mood cuz his mom. He just wants to relax and play Madden, or MLB on playstation. So.... here I am. Missing someone I see all the time. Wishing something I did was enough. Wishing that I didn't have to ask HIM out on a date. Wishing that he would suprise me with a little something. Wishing he worked himself up just to see me and be with me. Wishing he was crazy about me like he used to be, like I still am about him. Instead.... I just wish. I pray. We don't pray together. I asked many times to start.... I asked many times for alot of things. Sometimes I get it.... usually only for about a week.... alot of times I get words of promise, and no actions for delivery. We're stuck. If I know hte problem, I shoudl be able to fix it, right? Well.... I already tried.... this is all just remnants of the first time. Didn't get fixed... that's probably my fault because I'm tired of trying.
Yeah.... he loves me alot, don't think I don't know that. I know in my heart he does. But is he falling in love with me?? Is he still going crazy about me? Does he miss me even when he sees me everyday? Can he tell that I still feel lonely when I'm sitting next to him in church? The real problem is that we're broke, we're too young, and that means no engagement. So I will wait. I will wait a thousand years just to get to that step.... as long as I'm still falling in love. As long as he gives me a reason. The problem is I'm scared that he won't. I'm scared that I won't be enough for him to wanna give me a reason. I'm scared that I'll have to fall in love with someone else who won't even compare to him just because I wasn't enough to make him crazy about me, and wanna fix it right. I'm scared of proving his stupid friends right.... that I'm the wrong girl for him. That we're not gonna make it to the finish line. I know he loves me, but should it really be this hard to show me? Should he really have to work this hard? Shouldn't 3 years be enough??? Should I really have to doubt myself like this? Doubt him? Doubt US? I don't just wanna be another routine part of his day... sometimes I wanna MAKE his day! But I want it in return... so freaking bad. It's gotta be a two-way street. He is my best friend..... I wanna be with him more than I wanna breathe..... but I don't wanna cry this way. I don't want it to feel like this. He's my whole world.... I know I'm supposed to be with him. God brought me straight to him, and him to me. I know this is my best friend, and this is my one and only soul mate...... but we are stuck. And I am terrified that it's ruining everything..... and that I'll lose everything.... him. I know i would die inside, and my heart would break, and be scarred for the rest of my life, and I would never be complete, and breathing would never be the same if I lost him, because he is that ONE... THE ONE.
But what if he lost ME???
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Stop saying ME ME ME ME ME, I I I I I........ stop saying she said, she said, she said...... and stop saying I can't I can't I can't. THAT IS LAME
DID OUR SAVIOR SAY ME ME ME???? OR I I I??? NOPE..... he said you you you, we we we, and LORD LORD LORD. He didn't say he said, she said, they said..... he said I'll HELP, I'll LOVE. DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT I CAN'T, I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T????? Well, if He did.... WE WOULDN'T HAVE CHRISTMAS, OR EASTER!!!!
Reality check...... LIFE DOES SUCK. LIFE IS NOT FAIR. AND IT AIN'T EASY BEING A CHRISTIAN WOMAN..... IF IT WERE, EVERYONE WOULD BE DOING IT!!!!
The point is...... I love you people more than anything.... YEAH, EVEN MORE THAN RYAN. Ask him about what I've been praying about most...... YOU GUYS!!!
I'm ready for you to get it over with. I'm ready for you to stop being selfish, and quit quitting. I'm ready to hear I think I will, I think I can, I think I probably should. Why do you guys think I'm your friend?? Why do you think I'm such a good one?? Because..... it's not about me. It's not about what I can't do. It's about US. It's about HOW we make each other better. Consider this yet another contribution in my efforts to LOVE YOU....... BUILD A BRIDGE, AND GET OVER IT. I've been hurt.... you know that just as much as God Himself does. I have been SOOO hurt, I just wanted to give up, and quit..... but do I love my dad??? YES. Did I live after Jeff??? WHY YES I DID. Am I still here to love you after my parents split up, and my world changed in 24 hours??? YOU BET. And will I sit here and let you beat each other down bit by bit, and hurt each other but trying to NOT hurt each other, and all that junk??? NO WAY. I've done alot for you guys...... A LOT. Now..... PLEASE JUST DO THIS FOR ME. I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS. Is it hard? yeah. Is it fun? nope. Is it worth it? Every single step. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a SINGLE step. TAKE IT PLEASE!!! PLEASE?!? Nothing good was ever worth while if wasn't HARD.... I learned that. You know it too.... so come on already. Is it really worth all this to be this way?? Is it really worth all this pain? And the let-downs? And the wasted texts? No.... it isn't. Not even for me. Because I KNOW we were not led to this path for no stinkin random reason. SO JUST WALK WITH ME ALREADY. Quit lookin back, and thinkin twice. Don't make something that was so beautiful become so ugly. Please...... I'm just ready to love my friends at the same time, in the same place, and for them to love me back.... and right now.... you won't let me. Meet me halfway? You know... and Lord knows... I hardly ever ask for help..... please help me. PLEASE just help each other. We are supposed to be like Jesus.... and He forgave us for every little thing.... the lies, the words said, the dirtiness, the parties, the shy and sheltered ignorance, the everything..... ultimate. I love you so so much.... I don't want to lose you to each other's persona's of negative belief.... I just love you guys.... please, just forgive. And love each other anyways. I do it for you, do it for ME by doing it for each other. I can't live my life without you guys.... but I NEED ALL OF YOU..... not these half-persons that I've seen lately. You took a part of each other..... now give it back, and SHARE. We're each lacking, and not whole without the other. And if we were.... I wouldn't be writing this, and you wouldn't both be so stressed right now. But TOGETHER..... we're one beautiful and awesome blessing. Please don't take that away from yourselves...... you both suck, and so do I.... but I love those parts too. Even NOW!!! So just love each other's... because one day, we'll need it so so badly.... and this is where it has to happen. God... please please please...... love. I love you....... please just do this. Dig deep, and look past yourselves..... and I know we can do this. I know it. We're meant to be strong... TOGETHER. I can't do this without you guys.... now just do it with me. Our lives are just starting.... we can't afford to be absent, or angry. It'll slip away, and we'll regret it forever. That's why I wrote this.... cuz if I don't, I will regret it forever. I want both of you at my wedding, in my house, in my LIFE..... please just be the blessing to each other that you are to me. If we were perfect it'd be boring.... so just love it. Love what makes you suck... each other, and ourselves....... and it'll be ok. I promise. Please..... please...... please....... God please.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
You know why?? Because it's so lame. WHY bother wearing tight shorts that give you wedgies and ride up anyways?? And a girl can't honestly say her shorts don't do that... at least the short ones anyways. (And even some long ones.) Why bother with a skirt that is so short that every time you go to sit down, someone somewhere can see your stinkin panties peekin out?? And why bother even wearing a dress that is so short you can't even bend over in it, or function normally, without seeing all of your glory?? I just hope the wind doesn't blow, which in Amarillo, it does everyday. Actually no, I think I DO want it to... cuz maybe those girls will stop wearin that stuff. I know these things.... I wore them too once upon a time. I am so beautiful though, and I love ME so much now, that I like to keep my legs, from about 3 inches above my knee all the way up to my butt, COVERED UP. You know, some shorts/skirts/dresses are just an inch OR LESS away from a girls own cooter!!! And guess what.... every single male walking on two legs and has something between them... KNOWS THAT TOO!!!
I'm a Christian. Flat out. That doesn't mean I'm a goody-good... it means I suck so bad I need Jesus and God to save me. It means I try every single day to be the best I can be. And I can't do that if I'm wearing something that later on that night, some male who saw me in those shorts/skirt/dress is picturing me in their bedroom. And girls think that doesn't happen... yes it does. Isn't that so terrible, those nasty boys, right??? Wrong. I believe 100% that the responsibility lies on US WOMEN to stop letting ourselves be that image. I realized that about 3 years ago, and I'm GLAD. BUT... don't think for even one second that Christian girls are not in this category, because you'd be completely wrong.
For example... I recently went to the Switchfoot concert in Amarillo.... and I was so ANGRY. Because there were girls everywhere JUST LIKE THAT. Christian girls. Like me. (Except for the clothes.) True story. I literally CRIED because I was so frustrated and disgusted!!!! It was extremely hard for me to love my boyfriend of TWO YEARS with girls walking around looking like that. I could hardly stand it. And if you think "if they're really in love they won't look".... that's a lie, and even better, that is an excuse. Because it is literally impossible for males to ignore. Proven fact. Christian or sexist pig.... they can't. Christian men just wish those women would GO HOME and change so they can honor their wives without silly interruptions the way God honors US everyday. And it isn't' very honoring to Him to dress that way. God wouldn't gallivant around here with His shirt off here on earth showing off His body.... why should we???? We need to protect each other from this sin!! My boyfriend would be really mad if all the guys at that concert had no shirts except him cuz he's a good Christian that loves me, and were trying to love me when I could hardly focus cuz every where I looked a half naked man was walking in front of me!! It's not jealousy..... it's RESPECT!!
Any girl can wear that stuff.... but a real woman doesn't HAVE to!!! And girls can't say, "You're just mad cuz you don't have anything to show off, you don't have anything to flaunt...". Hahaha!!! WRONG honies..... oh YES I DO..... I just have someone who loves me very much and I would never show my body off in return. I would be single. I have a temple that God gave me to GLORIFY HIS image, not mine. It makes us girls like me feel like crap... because culturally THAT is what is accepted. It's one of those things where doing the right thing is not cool, and it is hard. But hey..... here's a secret... that is exactly what being a Christian is all about!!! If it were easy and cool, EVERYONE would be a Christian... but it's not, it's a challenge and it's discipline! So I challenged myself to this boycott.... and everyone who reads this.... I challenge YOU. Male or female. This isn't okay. It might be cool and pretty, and sexy in public, on media, and everywhere.... but it's STILL not okay. And I feel pretty, cool and sexy every day of my life.... and I do NOT dress that way. And my boyfriend thinks so too, without those clothes, and he loves me for that much and more. Save those things for the place they belong.... either on the RACK where you see them, or in the privacy of your OWN room/home where the ONLY people who need and deserve to enjoy those things are. (Meaning your own self or if you're married, your spouse.) It's unjustified, and unnecessary. If I could, I would ban stores from selling it... because then nobody could dress that way, and it wouldn't matter so much because it wouldn't be a problem. It would be cool to NOT have to show so much. My contribution is THIS.... my personal booty short boycott.
Superchick So Beautiful Lyrics:
We are a thousand voices strong
We are each girl who sings this song
We are a beauty that's our own
And we are, and we are
We are light, we were born beautiful
We were meant to be more than these shadows of girls
They cut us down to size, afraid we'll change the world
But we'll fight for your right to be beautiful girls
If every girl could see her beauty,
We would be an army
We are a thousand voices strong
We are each girl who sings this song
We are a beauty that's our own
And we are, and we are
We have dreams we were born to fulfill
We were meant to be more than just fairytale girls
We are colors so bright, each a beautiful girl
We are stars in the night, and we're changing the world
When every girl can see her beauty,
We will be an army
We are thousand voices strong
We are each girl who sings this song
We are a beauty that's our own
And we are, and we are
Monday, August 3, 2009
Your hand asked what your mouth wouldn't, then my hand said, "Yes, I'll go out with you."
That was all it took, and here we are 2 years later.
I was 14 when I first saw you across the courtyard, I'm 19 and still amazed.
Sometimes I feel like a jigsaw puzzle, and you just make me feel complete.
Other times, I just know our hands were made to hold each others.
Because God made you... I know He's in love with me.
I love your smile, so I like making you laugh so it will reappear.
You are the best friend that I've ever had,
You're the best team mate I have ever gotten to play with,
You are the best boyfriend I will always get to love.
You promise me... and you do it.
You tell me... and I believe you.
I would follow you anywhere, I told you that when I was 16.
Now I'm 19, and I just can't picture having any US, without the U.
You make me burn in places of my heart that I never even knew existed.
For the first time ever... there are 3 in this relationship,
And He, God Himself, makes us so perfect together while we're so imperfect.
I watched your games, and I didn't even think I existed to you.
And then we were both number 22,
Now I exist, but I still like to sneak peeks at you just cuz you're you.
In the courtyard I asked my friends if I looked okay,
Then I asked if you looked at me,
And for some reason you still do everyday.
Somehow all roads led to YOU.
Our names are like a one-word name now that our friends use to shorten things up.
Sometimes, I love you so much I forget you even need to hear it.
I like telling you... because you tell me too.
When my eyes get cloudy, and start to rain...
Your shoulder is the warm grass I can always fall on.
We're not just cute and hot and sexy to each other... no way.
It's handsome and beautiful and amazing.
I didn't wait my whole life to find you...
I cried, laughed, and learned my way to earn you when I did.
Losing you would be like losing a thumb....
I would live, but I just can't get a grip without you.
If you and me were the last ones on the whole Earth...
I would still wait until we were married.
That's how special you are to me.
For the first time in my life saying you won't love me tomorrow
Would be like saying the sun won't shine at all tomorrow.
For the first time, my dad completely approves and it even makes him cry.
No Harley will ever make him happier than when he sees me so happy with you.
It feels like only this summer we watched that Pirates of the Caribbean movie...
But it feels like eternity when I feel our love.
I prayed when that movie ended that I would just be able to keep you....
And I still do.
I love you.