Wednesday, January 6, 2010

What's the Deal???

Alright.... as great as my mood has been lately. You're killin me smalls. You know, and everyone else knows who you are. Since when did you not tell me things?? Since when were you afriad of me?? Since when did I give a crap what you did, since I love you anyways??? You seriously lied to me. Oh wait... excuse me, you didn't lie, you just negelected to tell me the truth. I asked, and you avoided. Why? So it'd stir this stuff up?? Was that what you wanted? Is it??? Cuz you got it, so be happy. You wanna slap me in the face??? Well don't leave out my other cheek!!! And do not do me any favors by holding back, if you're gonna do it, do it right, and do it as hard as you can. It isn't the first time, so trust me.... as bad as it hurts, I can take it. Look honey.... I do not care WHERE you go to church. I literally don't. But don't go around trying to avoid me and hiding it like it's some huge scandal. God hears singing the same, no matter where you are. So be my guest hon, but your welcome for the opportunity. You didn't even say thanks.... you didn't even tell me you were gonna be one and done. Sing once, and you're gone. That's fine..... but at least have the decency to tell me. What have I ever hidden from you??? What have I ever judged you for, or not loved you for??? Seriously, now... come on. This is ridiculous. You avoid me for no reason, and you put on this whole shinanigan with not hangin out anymore, and you can't even talk to me??? Listen.... if you don't think I need to be in your life, fine. If you think I don't have a place, fine. If you believe God didn't bring us together, fine. But otherwise.... you're doing us both a huge injustice. You are denying yourself a blessing. You're denying me a blessing.... that isn't fair. I love you.... what part of that do you not get???


And when you lose sight.... I can tell. You know honey.... you were a catholic, then went to a baptist church, then a nazarene one, now a methodist one?? Like..... when does this stop?? They're all the same at the core. Christian. Imperfect. Jesus is the only perfect thing alongside God. Where there's 2 people, there is gonna be conflict. And sometimes, it doesn't even take 2. You're like the run-away bride church style!! Love.... this sucks, believe me, I have been here.... but Jesus Christ requires you to leave your old life behind, to change for God's sake. If you just keep justifying yourself.... you're crucifying Jesus all over again. The hardest part, and the best thing in the world.... is getting busted. Bust yourself... for real this time. Not half-way. Doubts aren't accepted my God.... he who looks back while he plows the field is of no use in the Kingdom of Heaven. It's there.... in black and white print. You can avoid me all you want.... but you can't avoid yourself forever. And church-hopping is just a way of seeking for something when you can't find it usually. I've been there too. But when you keep your eyes and heart closed.... you will never find anything but the sad lonely darkness. How can He get in if everything's closed??


There. I'm done. Avoid me..... or don't. I don't care. But the issue here isn't about your place of worship, it isn't about churches, it isn't about that dumb stuff...... it's about this friendship. It's about you lying to me. I wouldn't have been upset AT ALL, yes, you prolly would have gotten that paragraph up there either way..... but you avoided me, and then did this. For what?? I don't get it. Go where you want, do what YOU have to do love..... but we are best friends, and I thought I was a part of your life... I thought I was a part of your heart. Cuz...... you sure are a part of mine. You know me.... you know I'm gonna tell you stuff straight up. Because you need it, I need it, and I respect you and love you. But..... you didn't return the favor, and I really don't understand why. Just cuz you're not with me in my church doesn't mean you ditch me as a friend. Steph is my best friend, and we've never shared the same church.... not ever. It's not about churches. But she wouldn't lie to me either. Yes Wendy.... I do deserve this. So I'm not gonna say "what have I done to deserve this? Why me?" Cuz I know as well as every other person in this world that I do suck. But you know.... I don't feel sorry for you. Never have. Never will... because I just love you. Don't make your hurdles in life be a reason you can't do things..... make them a reason to make yourself better and stronger. I'll always love you and forgive you. So..... here I am. When you wanna talk, I'll listen. When you wanna come back to our friendship, I'll meet you halfway. Maybe more. We always talk about how people have hurt us.... how it sucks.... how people lied and broke our hearts... then why did you all of the sudden do it to me?? Not telling me things is the same as lying. I dunno..... people are askin me questions about you, and I dunno what to say anymore, cuz you don't talk to me, or you avoid me, or you talk to me with reserve. Like I'm an alien or something. It's not the situation that bugs me, never was, and still isn't.... it's how you handled it with me, it's the sneeking way you went about it, and weird avoidance that bugs me. We're best friends! I never hold you back, I want you to fly.... I never have held anything against you, so I just don't see the point.... I dunno.... I'm just lost and confused.....


I love you.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Euphoria

I always dreamed of me and my wedding. The end. Me. My wedding. I always saw me, and I knew kinda what I wanted some stuff to be like. The truth is... I just never really saw it in my head like alot of girls do. No details. I never cared much to fill in those blanks. And, while dating go more serious in my teenage years... I was afraid to. That would be so vulnerable.... Serina?? Vulnerable?? Nohoho.... not outwardly at least. Plus, that can really freak some guys out, ya know... like the ones I dated. That's ok though... they never really looked like the person I'd be standing across from saying, "I do." They didn't fit the picture.... cuz it never felt right. I could never look at those guys and have my idea of a perfect Serina wedding just come flooding in. In some way or another... they were losers, and I... Serina Helen England... knew in my heart that I would marry a winner.



And here he is. Nathan Ryan Nelson. Nothing special.... and neither am I. But to each other, we're the whole world, the most special thing ever. I'm not Megan Fox, and he's not Brad Pitt. Sometimes we just make each other feel that way. I'm not a genious, and he's not a doctor. We're average. We have flaws that we love about each other, and some not so much. But the key is that we overlook those and just see how much we love each other and why. Then it's not so bad. We need each other. We are to the point where life isn't normal or complete without the other. Are we obsessed?? No. We're best friends. We care so much. I feel like I win just when he holds my hand. lol. He's a winner.... and he fits perfectly. And that is why my perfect Serina wedding is just focusing in.... and it's ok. Because he loves me, and he thinks I fit perfectly too. He has given me the best ideas of anyone. I never pushed him into anything... and he hasn't ever pushed me either... instead we walk together, side-by-side, hand-in-hand, and embrace it all together. We take our time. Always stopping to double-check. We enjoy things better this way. We know how each other ticks... and we now tick in unison. When I became a Christian... I decided I wanted a man to love me they way God loves us, his church. I prayed not for what I wanted, not for Ryan and I to last forever, not to get my way..... I prayed for God to get His way, for God's will to be my will, and my will to be His. And here I am.... basking in His love, and rewarded and blessed by Ryan's love.


So.... I've decided on dark blue and neon green. :) When I met Ryan, and we fell in love and had been in love for a good long while, one day he asked me. I told him I'd like either red or dark blue, and after deciding that everyone and their dog has red in their wedding... I picked dark blue. He recently picked the neon green after deciding we had to be the weird and quirky people we trully are. I love it. lol.


We also wanted to do some things different.... so these will be our wedding shoes:

http://www.nbwebexpress.com/detail.asp?style=U574NB1E

Mmmm hmmm, yes. They rock. We LOVE New Balances.... and we love us. :P

We will wear jersey's to our reception, after the formal stuff, like dancing. They will be dark blue, with neon green writing. On the front will be the words "Dream Team", "Newly-wed Nelson's", or "New Nelson Crew". :) On the back, where names go, there will be, "His Better Half" and "Her Better Half". Our jersey number's will both be 1/2. lol. :D They will be amazing no matter what. We'll wear black athletic shorts, with cool socks that'll match, and our wedding shoes. (We'll probably wear the socks for our wedding also. lol.)

Not to mention our root-beer fountain. We thought of that one together. We will have NO alcohol whatsoever... so root-beer it is, because we love root-beer SOO much. :) There will be a side table with water and tea. lol.

We can't get married in our church because nobody would fit.... so we want a bigger one, with stained glass windows.

I know for sure I want a matron of honor.... probably my beloved cousin Kaci. She woulda been my maid of honor, but now she's married and will be highly involved no matter what. (You know it's true!!) lol. And my beautiful friend Stephanie... ahhh yes.... you know it: maid of honor. Wendy (if she'll have me), Liz, my cousin Nichole, and perhaps a couple more.... my amazing bride's maids. I think Ryan is gonna have a harder time than I picking his man-crew. lol. Justin, Michael, Taylor, Jarrett if he is home, Jeff if he'll do it, and Elwin if he'll do it. Best man: Justin or Michael.... Ryan told me so. lol.

There'll be two blue-eyed ring bearers: his nephew Chase, and my nephew Duncan. Flower girls... we dunno. There's not many girlies in my family young enough, and by the time we actually get married, probably not on his side either. We'll see.

We'll have our fatherly-like pastor marry us, since he's our pastor. Pastor Jerry. (PJ for short!) I want him to preach about the way God loves his people, the church... God's bride, who loves Him back... that relationship between them, and how that is the way a man and a woman should love each other as well.

I WILL cry. I will have Elvis Presley played at our reception for sure. lol. I'm seriously considering a cheese-cake for my wedding cake. :) I want my daddy to give me away, and I want to dance with him afterwards, after my first dance with Ryan as his you-know-what. lol. :P I also wanna dance with Ryan's dad, Marty... because he really is that special to me. I want my mom and my step-mom to both be there.... they don't have to talk, or even look at each other, but they will tolerate each other for ONE day, because it will be MY day... OUR day, just me and Ryan. The end. Nobody else gets any part of it but God. lol.

There will be no bachelor or bachelorette parties... we don't party. We'll have a good, honorable, fun night with our friends and family that we'll remember forever, and never be ashamed of. In fact, we'll probably plan them together, and check in on each other throughout, cuz that's just the way we are. :)

Now, I know, I know.... this may seem strange, but I have no clue about my dress. (or any of the clothing for anyone else!) lol. I just don't. I do know that I will wear all white, and I LOVE lace and pearly beading, and I do not want a strapless because of my bodily proportions. lol. I'll probably wear my hair natural... just down and curly. And I'll do my own makeup. I'll have a beautiful bouquet, and a back up one to throw to my lovely ladies that come. :) And yes... we'll probably do the garter fling thing, can't leave our awesome fellas!!

I feel like a little girl, dreaming about this stuff. :) But I'm not. It's really real. It's a good ways off in the future still... but not so far as I think, and not even a second when it actually approaches. And... a little girl doesn't have the prince charming yet.... but I do, and he prompted it all. :) It just feels so right..... and I give all the credit to God!!! I just don't deserve any of these feelings, don't deserve Ryan, or love period... neither of us do.... but by His grace, here we are, best friends in love. :) We just keep on keepin on... takin our sweet time, side-by-side...