Friday, December 11, 2009

Stuck..... and scared.

Finals are over, and I didn't think it was possible.... but I'm having a really bad day.

I have been crying since literally about 5 minutes after I woke up, which means I now have a headache, and a runny nose. Haven't stopped crying really.... little pauses. I thought this break was gonna be so super, and I'm disappionted. Ryan said it was gonna be great, cuz we'd actually have time to just be in love.... yet there's still no time. It's always something in the way. I just wish I were enough to make him WANT to love me. I know he does... but I just don't feel it, I don't see it. I just hear it. Words are just that.... words. They mean alot when they get backed up by actions. Right now... his don't really mean much to me. I don't want to do all the work... I want him to meet me in the middle. Well, I was trying... trying to spice it up. Sending random texts, and calls, suprising him with little stuff.... but I stopped. I stopped because I don't get it in return. Which.... honestly... is the whole reason I did it, to try to get an equal and ooposite reaction. Give it to him good, get it back good.... somehow that just didn't work out. I don't even wanna try anymore. I here.... the end. Nothin special anymore... not pretty anymore.... just here cuz I'm supposed to be I guess. I'm boring now. I'm only a part of his day when I'm supposed to be. Same old thing, every day. Same stuff, different day. (SSDD) I feel so stuck. Stuck sucks. He gives me excuses like, "I didn't have time to tell you...", or, "I didn't know you wanted me to....." Excuses. That's all it is. I'm afraid that this is how it's going to be until our next big step, which is getting engaged.... afraid because if this is how it's going to be, I dunno if I can do it. I don't need excuses... they just give me reaosns to be mad at him..... instead, I'm just running out of reasons to keep falling in love. He gives me reasons to be mad, not reasons to just be so in love with him. And... I need that. I don't just want it.... I need it in order for this relationship to work. Need. It is a big deal to me. But.... if he thinks he's doing just fine, that's all that counts. Not the way I feel. Because I don't feel that he's doing fine.... I feel like he's everybody elses hero EXCEPT mine. Everyone else gets all the reasons to fall in love with him.... not me. Cuz I'm just here. I get myself all worked up, and excited to be with him, and to see him.... and get disappointed. He's not feeling well. He doesn't feel like going out. He had a bad day. He's frustrated. He's in a bad mood cuz his mom. He just wants to relax and play Madden, or MLB on playstation. So.... here I am. Missing someone I see all the time. Wishing something I did was enough. Wishing that I didn't have to ask HIM out on a date. Wishing that he would suprise me with a little something. Wishing he worked himself up just to see me and be with me. Wishing he was crazy about me like he used to be, like I still am about him. Instead.... I just wish. I pray. We don't pray together. I asked many times to start.... I asked many times for alot of things. Sometimes I get it.... usually only for about a week.... alot of times I get words of promise, and no actions for delivery. We're stuck. If I know hte problem, I shoudl be able to fix it, right? Well.... I already tried.... this is all just remnants of the first time. Didn't get fixed... that's probably my fault because I'm tired of trying.

Yeah.... he loves me alot, don't think I don't know that. I know in my heart he does. But is he falling in love with me?? Is he still going crazy about me? Does he miss me even when he sees me everyday? Can he tell that I still feel lonely when I'm sitting next to him in church? The real problem is that we're broke, we're too young, and that means no engagement. So I will wait. I will wait a thousand years just to get to that step.... as long as I'm still falling in love. As long as he gives me a reason. The problem is I'm scared that he won't. I'm scared that I won't be enough for him to wanna give me a reason. I'm scared that I'll have to fall in love with someone else who won't even compare to him just because I wasn't enough to make him crazy about me, and wanna fix it right. I'm scared of proving his stupid friends right.... that I'm the wrong girl for him. That we're not gonna make it to the finish line. I know he loves me, but should it really be this hard to show me? Should he really have to work this hard? Shouldn't 3 years be enough??? Should I really have to doubt myself like this? Doubt him? Doubt US? I don't just wanna be another routine part of his day... sometimes I wanna MAKE his day! But I want it in return... so freaking bad. It's gotta be a two-way street. He is my best friend..... I wanna be with him more than I wanna breathe..... but I don't wanna cry this way. I don't want it to feel like this. He's my whole world.... I know I'm supposed to be with him. God brought me straight to him, and him to me. I know this is my best friend, and this is my one and only soul mate...... but we are stuck. And I am terrified that it's ruining everything..... and that I'll lose everything.... him. I know i would die inside, and my heart would break, and be scarred for the rest of my life, and I would never be complete, and breathing would never be the same if I lost him, because he is that ONE... THE ONE.

But what if he lost ME???

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